


It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses Their House Points

by River_Taylor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter RPF, Pottermore - Fandom
Genre: Cybermagical realism, Gen, Howlers (Harry Potter), Magical Realism, Magical Weirdness, Parody, Pottermore, Pottermore house point wipe, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-24
Updated: 2012-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-22 03:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13158237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_Taylor/pseuds/River_Taylor
Summary: A fairly tongue-in-cheek story written in the wake of the Great House Points Vanishing of 2012, in which the vast majority of leaderboard duellists on Pottermore had their house points wiped due to suspected "cheating". The Pottermore Board of Administrators convene to discuss their next move amid extreme user outrage and backlash - but what happens next might not be up to them...





	It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses Their House Points

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted to Facebook and shared only with members of Hufflepuff House, but as the interactive side of Pottermore has long been shut down, I don't think it matters if I publish it more widely, so I'm archiving it here as part of my attempts to preserve our fan activity around Pottermore and the fanworks created for it. Also, it's quite funny xD
> 
> The original notes I published it with read:
> 
>  
> 
> _Hey Puffs :) In the hopes of cheering everyone up a bit after the WTFness of the last 20-something hours, I've written another one of my mad stories. I hope that some of you will find it a fun read. It's not meant to be taken seriously ;)_
> 
>  
> 
> _Disclaimer - all members of the Pottermore 'Board of Administrators' are of my own invention and not meant to resemble any persons who run the Pottermore site in real life. I have no idea who does run the show up there, and the site almost certainly isn't organised like this but heyyy, it's a story, go with it. I also have no idea what the hell kind of universe has magic and robots and J.K. Rowling all mashed together and being awesome but let's hope it exists so we can travel to it someday. ;) Finally, if any of you are wondering why I chose a Slytherin to do that thing at the end and not a Puff, first of all, I could never choose between you all ♥ and secondly, I read Elm Blade's blog last night and thought she deserved her chance at revenge on Pottermore. I would have written you all a cameo each but I was trying to keep it short and sweet ;3_
> 
>  
> 
> _Enjoy!_

“Right… So… I’d like to call this meeting of the Pottermore Board of Administrators to order,” said the man at the head of the long table, nervously adjusting his glasses.

A dozen other faces gazed back at him glumly from amidst literal snowdrifts of letters. Sealed envelopes and scrolls of parchment were piled up around the table so that only the administrators’ heads and shoulders could be seen above the sea of correspondence. Owls swooped in and out of the windows, delivering a downpour of letters addressed variously to ‘The Administrators of Pottermore’, ‘Pottermore Support Team’, ‘Head of Staff at Pottermore’ and ‘Those Filthy *******s At Pottermore.com’.

“With all due respect sir, I’m beginning to think that we miscalculated this move,” said a woman with dark hair sitting several places along the table from the Chairman. She made an effort to raise her hand and managed to hold her wand above the rapidly rising level of angry letters. With a wave and a muttered incantation she Vanished several of the messages, but it was like trying to empty the ocean with a teacup. The owls just kept on coming, and Pottermore’s administrators had already discovered the perils of trying to shut them out – they beat and scratched at the windows, hooting constantly until they were let in to deliver their burdens. It was easier just to deal with the letters after they were delivered, rather than trying to prevent their arrival.

“It’s like bloody Tetris in here,” another man commented, prompting a few weak chuckles from the assembled Board members. That is until their attention was diverted by a screech owl that swooped in clutching a bright red envelope.

“ _Howler!”_ someone cried, and gasps went around the table as the red envelope was dropped into their midst.

“Catch it, catch it quick—”

The dark-haired woman was quickest to move, surging to her feet with a rustle of letters as she grabbed for the falling Howler.

“Open it, for God’s sake open it before it explodes!” commanded the Chairman. “Or it’ll set the whole lot alight!”

His colleague fumbled with the flap and tore the letter open to release the angry tirade contained within.

“ **TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,**

 **I AM WRITING TO REGISTER MY OUTRAGE AT THE COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED MOVE TO DRASTICALLY REDUCE THE POINTS TOTAL OF DOZENS OF USERS ACROSS THE SITE FOR NO JUSTIFIED REASON…** ” The Howler’s magnified voice boomed around the room for several minutes, until its complaint was finally finished. The Pottermore Board of Administrators took their hands away from their ears. The Chairman cleared his throat.

“Look, I know these are difficult conditions to work under, but we’re doing the right thing. We _know_ that cheating is a big problem within the Pottermore community. No-one was more surprised than I was when our policy of completely ignoring it didn’t solve the problem, but it didn’t, and we have to face up to that. This new tough, no-nonsense approach to users with an unnaturally high points gain will deter other would-be cheaters and show them what they have to lose. It won’t just impact them, but their entire House as well.”

“Are those your words, or someone else’s?” asked a man sitting to his left. Several of the administrators cast nervous glances towards the large portrait hung on the opposite wall. Its occupant appeared to be dozing, but they could never be sure.

“These _are_ my words, and this is an approach I fully stand by,” said the Chairman firmly. “The outrage from the community will subside in time. For the moment, we’ve got ANJA working overtime giving meaningful responses to all of their concerns. Isn’t that right, ANJA?” He turned to address the large metal robot in the corner, which looked a lot like a silver Hi-Fi system except that it had a lot of coloured lights flickering on and off, and was constantly spitting out sheets of parchment.

A reassuring, pre-recorded female voice responded. _“Thank you for your message to the Pottermore site. You can choose any password you want, as long as it is at least six characters long and contains at least one number. For extra security, it is always a good idea to use at least one capital letter in your password. I hope that you find this information helpful.”_

“Yes… Well… We might have to tweak her settings a little,” said the Chairman uncomfortably, pulling at his collar. “Marie, could you see to that…?”

“This organisation has become a complete and utter **farce**!” shouted an elderly man at the opposite end of the table, banging his fists on the table for emphasis and narrowly missing a tawny owl, which hooted in fright as it flapped away. “Granted, we’ve never been the most accessible of administrative groups – or the most democratic – but this latest course of action has gone beyond the pale. I opposed it at the outset and I’m even less in favour of it now!”

“Greg, I see what you’re saying, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs—” the Chairman began.

“And you can’t run a site without alienating half of its userbase?”

“We’ve just got to look at the bigger picture here, cheating on Pottemore.com—”

“Will likely be all the more rife as users are willing to go to lengths to regain what was **stolen** from them!”

“We took swift and decisive action to nip the problem in the bud as soon as the points were reset—”

“That’s another thing, you’d better hope it doesn’t get out that the House Cup totals were completely—”

 _“Hem, hem_.” A delicate cough interrupted the argument, and both men fell silent as swiftly as if a charm had been cast. The portrait of Dolores Umbridge on the opposite wall opened her eyes and smiled widely down at the Board of Administrators.

“Just thought I’d make the _teensiest_ interruption here,” she simpered. “Let me first assure _all_ of you that our organisation continues to go from strength to strength, and that this latest blanket ban on high points earners was a bold and necessary step by our Chairman to punish nasty, underhanded cheaters.”

Her eyes roved from face to face as if searching for dissenters, but no-one spoke up, each of them avoiding her gaze. None of them dared to contradict her after what had happened to Shelley last time. “And if another wave of cheating _does_ happen to crop up from those who don’t know how to play nicely, we won’t hesitate to exact even more severe penalties.” Another smug smile stretched her toad-like mouth. “A complete and irreversible ban from the site ought to do the trick.”

“High Inquisitor—” The man who had joked about Tetris earlier tentatively spoke up. “What about the impact that this will have on our ebook profits? We’ve already seen a drop in sales, and it’s only been two days—” 

“Oh, that will even itself out. Those little leeches won’t be able to keep their grubby hands off our products for long – especially if we release another new book by their beloved author.”

“You mean Jo—”

 _“DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME!”_ Umbridge suddenly shrieked, startling several newly-arrived owls into flight with a rustle of feathers and parchment. Marie sat stock-still, up to her neck in envelopes and wondering if she would be punished for trying to Vanish a few.

“Ahem. As I was saying, if _we_ release a new book by their beloved “author”, profits will return to their usual high level and the fans will be too distracted discussing it to question what goes on with the site. That will tide them over until the _Prisoner of Azkaban_ is unlocked in 2014.”

Nervous glances were exchanged over the still-increasing piles of letters. Even the Chairman seemed to think that this was going too far. Vanishing the sea of parchment down to a more comfortable level, he began,

“High Inquisitor – surely you don’t mean to suggest that we shouldn’t add anything to the site at _all_ for the next thirteen months? Why, we’d have a revolt on our hands! And though some of them may have cheated once or twice, the users of Pottermore.com deserve to be treated better—”

“Are you contradicting me, Chairman?” inquired Umbridge in a tooth-rottingly sweet tone.

“Why – yes, as a matter of fact I am! I’ve stood behind your policies on cheating because I agree it should be stopped, but to arbitrarily delay the release of the next book by over a year – as Chairman, I can not accept this!” The Chairman rose to his feet with a loud rustle of parchment.

Still smiling that sickeningly smug smile, Umbridge drew her wand. “If that is how you intend to go on, then I’m afraid we shall never see eye to eye. I am considering this your resignation.” The Chairman’s eyes widened as she pointed her wand directly at him. _“Avada ke—”_

There was a loud BANG as the door to the meeting room was suddenly blasted off its hinges. Umbridge jerked to the left, distracted by the commotion, and the spell went wide, sailing over the Chairman’s head and scorching a black, crumbling, smoking hole into the far wall. The Board of Administrators stared agog at the doorway as the figure of J.K. Rowling stepped through it, flanked by a formidable-looking group of wizards and witches, wands held at the ready.

“The leaderboard duellists!” Marie whispered reverentially.

Rowling strode forward into the room, expertly Vanishing the tide of parchment as it surged towards her, clearing a path to the table. “Administrators, this has gone far enough,” she announced in ringing tones that commanded the attention of everyone in the room. “I appointed you all on good faith to run the community of Pottermore.com in a manner that is fair, reasoned, democratic and just. Your latest decision to punish all and sundry for the actions of a few goes against every one of these principles. As creator of the Harry Potter world, I hereby disband the Pottermore Board of Administrators with immediate effect, to be replaced by dedicated and hardworking members of the student body, who will be able to act in the community’s best interest.” She indicated the assembled leaderboard duellists behind her.

 _“Stop her!!”_ screeched the portrait of Umbridge. “Stupefy! _Stupefy!!”_ She rained jets of red light down on J.K. Rowling, but the spells evaporated in midair before they could touch a hair on the author’s head. Umbridge dropped her wand, white-faced and trembling in fear. “How… _How?_ ” she whispered.

“I’m J.K. Rowling,” said Rowling calmly to the portrait. “Your magic is irrelevant. Elm Blade?”

A witch arraigned in the green and silver robes of Slytherin stepped forward from the group and raised her wand. “Reducto!” she cried, and the portrait was instantly reduced to dust.

For a few minutes, silence reigned, and then someone tentatively started to clap. Soon the applause was taken up by every member of the erstwhile Board of Administrators, including its Chairman. He stepped to one side and bowed to J.K. Rowling, indicating for her to take his seat.

“I can’t thank you enough for getting us out from under that monster’s thumb,” he said. “I’m sorry it took us so long to see what we were doing… This really is the way the site should have been run from the start.”

“Better late than never, Chairman,” said Rowling graciously as she sat down. “Now. Here’s how things are going to change…”


End file.
